During this morning’s run, a song queued that I’d never heard before, Clay Pigeons by John Prine. As I listened, something beneath my ribs rattled free and escaped as a groan. Then, the shell of calcium behind my eyes crumbled free and the tears came down, down, down.
This was such a Gary Riley song. Just a year and a half ago, I would’ve paused my run to text the song to Dad. We’d have gone back and forth about music for the next half hour or so, both of us adding songs to our playlists by the end of the virtual conversation. It’s the first time I missed Dad for something he wasn’t here to experience.
Okay, let me back up. That was the first time I was CONSCIOUS of missing Dad for something he wasn’t here to experience.
I texted the song to my beloved mother, wiped my face down with my t-shirt and continued my run. Wild World by Yusuf/Cat Stevens played next and the lyrics melted away my fragile stability;
Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
As I gathered up the parts of me again, a list formed of the things Dad would be pissed about missing out on;
Laine and Julian’s wedding
Parker and Lilla’s birthdays
Every family gathering since his death
Watching his older grandkids thrive
Giving the people he loves a hug after the losses they’ve sustained this year (you know who you are and I hope when you close your eyes you feel his arms, in a flannel Pendleton shirt, wrapping around you and giving you a squeeze)
But on a lighter note, he’d also be pissed about missing;
Birthday/Holiday deliveries of Portillo’s Chicago Dog kits
Better Call Saul, Season 5
Better Call Saul, Season 6
Peaky Blinders, Season 6
Stranger Things, Season 4
Doug and I watching Breaking Bad, FINALLY, and loving it. Yes, you were right, Dad!
Music, music, music, all the songs and artists he’d find and share
Co-writing a story with his best friend, Larry
People coming up the hill for a visit
I’ve dreamt about Dad the last week or so. They are more work sessions than conversations, to be honest. There are things that need to be done, but don’t think I’m strong enough to accomplish. Dad is showing me the way. He’s giving me the confidence to try, telling me that all I have to do is show up and be myself. I’m not being elusive about the work, I don’t know what the dreams mean, or what I’m supposed to accomplish. Not yet. But if Gary Riley is beside me, it’ll all go well. I told him about Roe v. Wade last night, I remember that much. He said, “Well, shit,” which was the most Gary Riley response of all.
If you haven’t done so, please take a listen to my podcast. The first three or so episodes speak directly to this grief journey. After that, I fill the airwaves with content that’s made me curious to know more about the world around us. Each episode is made with love. It is uplifting. It is a metaphorical bolt cutter, chopping our hearts and ankles free of the fear shackles the world welded to us long ago. Here’s the link if you’re interested.
When it comes to fear, curiosity is more productive than violence. And in my own little way, I’m transfiguring the one into the other. Until next time, I love you. <3