Avoiding Grief

When my father passed away, it’s no surprise he left a gaping hole in my life. It’s a void I’ve, alternately, steeped in and avoided at all costs. It’s my personal emotional schizophrenia, I suppose.

Avoid (v.) — from the Online Etymology Dictionary, means to shun, have nothing to do with, escape, evade, clear out, or withdraw.

I found the root definitions to be interesting, and in fact, downright instructive. From Old French, esvuider, means to empty out, to be empty or vast, wide, hollow, waste.

It called to mind what I’d tell my kids when they had the puke flu back in the day, “Better out than in!” I’d say to encourage them. That same advice is found in the roots of the word, ‘avoid.’ Not ignore or avert or distract or withdraw, but empty out! Discharge from the body! Eject!

On some level, my grief-addled brain thought that purging my grief for my father was the same as purging my father from my memories. I truly felt that. And in fact, until I saw that sentence in print on this screen, I still believed that. But, nothing is further from the truth. Purging grief clarifies our memories.

Leaning into my grief is like walking through a stream. The silt at the bottom is stirred up and muddies the waters, but then, once I’ve stomped, splashed, wept, gnashed, and kicked, then comes the calm. After a few minutes, the creek waters of my heart still and when I look down again, the memory of my father is sparkling and clear.

I’m getting better at giving in to the grief. When I’m overcome with aching sadness, anger, or belly-sickness at the loss of Gary Riley, I stop, no matter what I’m doing, and sit in my emotions. I let them overtake me. I press the sore spot until something amazing happens, it passes. Then, I let a memory of my father come forward and I relish the sweetness.

If you are navigating grief, and I suspect you are if you’ve found my Substack, then you are not alone. You are never alone in your pain and loss. Yours is different than mine and it is tragic and beautiful and transformative and difficult and perfect and shitty. I’m right there with you as we learn how to live without and find ways for our lost loved one to live within.